Kids can teach us so much and this week’s lesson was all about letting go.
On Wednesday my daughter went on her first residential trip for school. She’s 8 and this is the first time she’s been away from home without her family. She doesn’t even like being separated on play dates. You see, she experiences high separation anxiety. Especially since the pandemic.
After a few months of saying she didn’t want to go on the trip, around two weeks beforehand she switched to being excited.
The day before, she packed her little case and her bag, chose what toys to take and told me her plans to share a bunk with her friend. It was all going so well.
But as we said goodbye she faltered. She was sad and wouldn’t let go of me. The tears came and the pleading to stay was hard to hear.
We hugged and at the same time we both realised she had to do this. So, with all her might she dug a bit deeper and found even more courage.
She leaned into her fear and went for it.
I held it together and left her in the safety net of her teacher and her friends and I left. That was tough. She still wasn't fully composed but I knew that while I was in her presence, she couldn't take the next step. She had to do it without me and so I walked away.
We both let go of something that morning. Our fear, anxiety, limiting beliefs. Our bond is still there, our cord is lengthening and as it lengthens it becomes stronger.
How did we help her get to this point?
I am not a child psychologist but I am pretty familiar with the idea of resilience and I know how important it is to recognise that it needs nurturing and everybody is different. My daughter struggles with transitions. I have learned that she is helped when it seems more familiar or if she can have a physical handover. When leaving my side to go on her school trip for example, I placed her hand into the hand of her teacher. She felt safe.
A few considerations when raising an anxious child:
We didn’t throw her in at the deep end. I know my daughter and I knew this would not help. We kept her close when she needed it. Over the last year, she has always asked me to stay with her on play dates and she always knew where I was. If I had to go, I was honest with her. I never sneaked away. I told her why I had to leave and she could choose to either stay or come. This will not work for everyone, but it worked for us.
We created an exit strategy. She needed to know that if she needed to, she could leave. Even knowing this helped her to stay. For the school trip, she knew that it she needed to come home, I would pick her up. This knowledge kept her feeling safe and so far I haven't had the call to collect her.
We created a social story. We told her what would happen, in what order and who she might meet. We repeated the story when she asked, usually at bedtime. This is great when moving into a new school year, going on a trip or any other transition.
We explained that she didn’t have to be confident to do something. Confidence would come after she took her first step, just as it did when she was learning to walk. Babies are not confident to walk, they just do it.
We held space for her. Before doing something out of her comfort zone, she would show her anxiety. It would manifest as frustration, fear, impatience, resistance. I remind myself why she is doing this so I can give her what she needs. It's hard at times but I am here for her. We normalised her feelings and tried to show her different ways to manage them.
We went time travelling. My daughter's aunty and uncle are visiting from the USA in a few weeks. I asked her to visualise telling them her stories and the adventures she has been on. What would they say? How would they feel about hearing the adventures? How would my daughter feel describing what she got up to? Her brain could visualise the scene and she started to believe that she had already taken the step. Visualising is powerful. We spend so much time tricking our brain into believing things that are not true, let's use that as a super power.
Uncertainty is part of life and in my experience the solution to uncertainty isn't being sure, it is being creative. Find out what might work for you and your child. Explore ideas, be gentle and take whatever small steps work for you.
The key thing is, get to know what will work for you and your family. Find your own strategies, take time out to recharge so that you can look after your children and never compare how your child is growing to others.
Find out more about nurturing your own resilience at our Facebook group The Resilience Nook, simply click on the link below.
