Learning to fall over all over again
Failing is scary!
It's weird because most of us try to avoid failing at all costs, which is a shame because we are all so good at it!
Believe it or not, there was a time in your life when you didn’t care about failing. You weren’t bothered about getting things wrong. You didn’t have the anxious thoughts about what people might think of you. You just decided to do something and you ran with it.
Take learning to walk, for example. Look at how little ones learn to walk. They don’t overthink it. They don’t procrastinate. They don’t think, “What will the other babies think of me if I fall”.
A baby just gets up, wobbles, holds on to something close by, lets go, balances, takes a step and then… falls down again smiling and laughing at the whole thing.
And what do the proud parents do? They clap and praise like the cheerleaders they need to be. They even capture it on their phones and show anyone who might be remotely interested, and a few people who, let’s face it, probably aren’t.
And this spirit in trying and failing, this resilience, gets them through the first few years of life. Look how much they learn in the first five years.
Then something happens. Our inner critic is born and we then start beating ourselves up for not getting something right first time. A little perfectionist in our minds telling us that it would be better if we were better. And it’s all lies, but we start listening and paying attention to it so it gets louder.
Through adolescence and adulthood we continue to feed the inner voice and now we have this troll, mind monkey, inner critic, whatever you call it, living rent free in our heads.
I know this because I have been the person who tried to avoid failing at all costs. I would be embarrassed, mortified even, if I didn't get something right. I thought all attention would be on me with a big neon light which simply said FAIL.
Of course, this was in my head. If I still felt like this I wouldn't have my own business, I definitely wouldn't have kids (I have made many mistakes as a mum!) and I wouldn't even be writing this blog. I am delightfully dyslexic and when I create something I get way too excited to spell check! Mistakes happen and I am more than okay about that than I ever thought I would be.
“But surely getting something right is better than a fail?”
The thing is, you can’t have success without the fails. An Olympic runner had to fall many times as a baby learning to walk and had to fail many more times as they get better and better at running. They don’t stop taking risks and trying new things.
The difference between an amateur and a professional, is that the professional learns how to fail with an intention to grow. If you never fail at anything, you are staying within your comfort zone, which is actually quite an uncomfortable and rigid place to stay.
"Surely being a failure is something we should avoid?”
There is a distinction between failing and failure.
Failing gets you where you want to be.
Failure is a mindset that keeps you where you don’t want to be.
Failing is taking action.
Failure is a feeling that comes from overthinking and does not get you anywhere.
If you spend your life avoiding failing, then, in my experience, that is the opposite of success. It means you are paying too much attention to what your mind tells you and what you think other people think of you. And by the way, people are thinking too much about themselves to worry about what you are doing!
"I need more confidence and then I will risk failing.”
Again, this is something we believe to be true. The truth is, confidence is a reward. It comes after you have taken action. The little baby learning to walk doesn’t wait for confidence. The confidence comes as steps are taken, then confidence is so great that the baby won’t sit still!
How to evict the mind monkey
Well, I'm afraid to say, you can't. That cheeky monkey is here to stay. But what you can do is lower the volume. Here are a few tips to get you started...
Listen to it. That's right, give it some air time. Get curious about what you are actually afraid of. Is it what people will think? Is it risking pride? Is it not wanting to let others down? What are you really scared of? Then acknowledge it.
Doubt the doubt. Just because you think it, it doesn't make it true.
Take action no matter what your mind tells you. Start small if you would rather. Take tiny risks and intentionally come out of your comfort zone little by little. That builds resilience.
Praise and celebrate the small action steps you take.
Reflect on how far you've come. You are not starting from scratch, you are starting from experience.
Remember, dropping the perfectionism does not compromise doing well, it simply unfreezes you. Repeat after me, "Done is better than perfect".
Learn from the fail. This is the most important note. If you don't you will just be doing the same stuff in the same way, getting the same result. Failing and learning go hand in hand with success.
Be like the baby you were and take that first step.
Remember, even when you fall flat on your face, you are still moving forward.
For more insights on resilience you can follow me on Facebook at The Resilience Nook Facebook group or the Resilience Coaching with Lucy Facebook page.
